I have been working a lot on using sensory details with my class, so I thought I would try it out with a story about a fishing expedition I had with my husband this spring.
Mosquito buzzing droned in my ears as I hopped out of the Jeep, it’s shining black countenance shaded by the dust from the old woods road. Hurriedly, Rob gathered up the tackle box and poles and then began to head through the brambles and thicket to the edge of the mysterious, secret fishing spot. I grabbed the backpack that contained sandwiches from the infamous Jamison’s Market in Greenville, makers of the world’s best dagwoods. Twigs snapped under my feet as I hustled to catch up with my eager husband.
As the forest opened up to the small pond, a cool breeze blew the mosquitoes back into the depth of darkness provided by the trees. Already Rob had a pole equipped with sinker, worm and bobber. He handed it to me and started in on the other pole. His excitement for this fishing expedition had been building slowing over the past few weeks. This pristine pond tops the list of his favorite fishing spots and it took just one look at his face to feel the happiness that was exuding from every part of his being. Hook and bobber flew through the spring air and plopped into the cool water. Within a matter of seconds, Rob hollered, “Look at your bobber!” After casting, my attention had been drawn to the beauty that was surrounding me, the mountains on the horizon, the rocky shoreline, waves gently lapping the edge of the pond. I hadn’t once thought that I would be reeling in a fish on the first cast!
To be continued…
Wow! I could sense your husband's excitment throughout your piece . . . gathering up the tackle box hurriedly, how you had to hustle to keep up with him, how he had already had an equipped pole when you caught up, and how you could see the happiness exuding from every part of his being. I also thought you did a good job of using sensory details. I could make a picture in my mind very easily as if I was right there with you! Something tells me there's more to this story!
ReplyDeleteSandy, you have created a strong visual image for the reader, but you have also left room enough for the reader's own schema to interact with the text. I agree with Judy; this story doesn't feel "finished." It feels like you are building up to something. As a reader I was wondering what was actually on the hook. The snapping twigs underfoot and the seclusion of the pond within the forest made me wonder if, in fact, this idyllic scene was the setting for a mystery. If you should decide to continue this story, I would encourage you to think about the genre you would like to write and then use that information to plan what will be on the end of the hook when you reel it in.
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